Ah, the holidays—a time for joy, togetherness, and, if you’re a people-pleaser, bending over backward to make everyone happy (while secretly Googling “how to set boundaries” in the bathroom). Sound familiar?
If you find yourself saying “yes” to everything—baking cookies for the class party, hosting family dinner and running last-minute errands—because you don’t want to let anyone down, you’re not alone. People-pleasing is closely tied to anxiety, and the holidays are basically its Super Bowl. Let me go first and admit that I find myself struggling with people-pleasing most during the holidays. Just this week, I agreed to helping out at my son’s preschool when I very well knew I didn’t have the time or emotional bandwidth.
Why Anxiety and People-Pleasing Go Hand in Hand
At its core, people-pleasing stems from the fear of disappointing others, being judged, or causing conflict. For someone with anxiety, that fear can feel overwhelming. Saying “yes” is a quick way to avoid the discomfort of saying “no,” but it comes with a cost: overcommitment, exhaustion, and, ironically, more anxiety.
During the holidays, the pressure to create “perfect” memories, keep everyone happy, and meet unrealistic expectations cranks this habit into overdrive. Suddenly, you’re agreeing to host two holiday dinners, attend all the parties, and participate in every Secret Santa exchange—even if it means running on fumes.
How People-Pleasing Shows Up During the Holidays
Here’s how people-pleasing might sneak into your holiday season:
• Saying “sure, I’ll bring dessert” when you can barely find time to breathe.
• Agreeing to host the in-laws even though you’re secretly dreading it.
• Buying extra gifts just to make sure no one feels left out.
• Apologizing profusely because your tree doesn’t look like a Pinterest board.
If any of this hits a little too close to home, don’t worry—you’re not alone, and there are ways to manage it.
Strategies to Manage People-Pleasing (Without Feeling Like a Grinch)
1. Pause Before You Say “Yes”
When someone asks for your help, take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to respond. Try saying, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” This buys you time to decide if it’s something you genuinely want (or can) do.
2. Practice Saying “No” (It’s a Complete Sentence!)
Saying “no” can feel uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for your mental health. Start small:
• “I can’t take that on right now, but thanks for asking!”
• “I’d love to help, but I’m already stretched thin.”
• “No, but I can recommend a great bakery for those cookies!”
Remind yourself that setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you human.
3. Drop the Perfectionism
Your holiday dinner doesn’t need to rival Martha Stewart’s, and your gifts don’t have to look like they belong under a designer tree. Focus on what matters—connection and presence—not perfection.
4. Delegate Like a Pro
You don’t have to do it all. Ask for help with cooking, shopping, or decorating. Sharing the load doesn’t mean you’re failing; it means you’re smart.
5. Check in With Your “Why”
Ask yourself: Why am I saying yes? If it’s out of guilt, fear, or obligation, it might be time to reevaluate. Instead, focus on doing things that align with your values and bring you joy.
6. Make Time for Yourself
Whether it’s a quiet walk, a favorite holiday movie, or a cup of tea in peace, prioritize moments that refill your energy tank. You can’t pour from an empty cup, no matter how much you want to.
A Holiday Pep Talk
People-pleasing might feel like the path of least resistance, but it’s a fast track to burnout—especially during the holidays. Remember, it’s okay to put yourself on the priority list. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re ruining the holiday spirit; it means you’re protecting your energy so you can truly enjoy the season.
And honestly? The people who truly love you will understand.
This year, let’s leave the guilt-wrapped “yeses” behind and make room for what matters most—joy, connection, and maybe a little less anxiety.
Happy (boundary-filled) holidays!
