It’s one of the most common things I hear from couples in my therapy practice: “We should have done this a long time ago.” In fact, research shows the average couple waits about six years after problems begin to seek help[^1]. Six years of unresolved tension, hurt feelings, emotional distance or communication breakdowns. And by the time many couples walk into my office, they’re in crisis mode and wondering if it’s too late.
In this post, we’ll unpack why couples often delay counseling, how to know if your relationship could benefit from therapy now (even if it’s not “that bad”), and what to expect after you decide to schedule your first couples counseling session.
Why Do Couples Avoid Counseling?
There are so many reasons couples put off seeking support and here are some of the most common:
- “We’re not that bad.”
- Many people think couples therapy is only for relationships on the brink of divorce or full of toxic conflict. But therapy isn’t just damage control—it’s skill-building, pattern-breaking and reconnection.
- Fear of being blamed
- Some worry that therapy will turn into a blame game or feel like being ganged up on by the therapist or their partner. In my practice, I teach strategies to move away from blame and instead focus on identifying patterns and how to change them.
- Shame or stigma.
- Some couples get caught up in the idea that if they need help that means they’ve failed. But in reality, seeking help is a sign of strength and commitment to growth. Marriage is hard. We all can use some help from time to time.
- Belief that problems should stay private.
- Although I think this is changing, some couples believe relationships should be worked on behind closed doors. But often we need a neutral, trained perspective to help us see what we can’t from inside the cycle.
Signs Your Relationship Could Benefit From Therapy Now
Here are a few signs it might be time to consider couples counseling, even if things aren’t “falling apart”:
- You’re having the same arguments over and over again without resolution
- You feel emotionally disconnected or like roommates
- Intimacy has changed or feels strained
- One or both of you are walking on eggshells
- You avoid difficult conversations because they always escalate
- Something difficult has happened (infidelity, loss parenting stress) and you’re not sure how to recover
Couples therapy shouldn’t be a last resort. Think of it more like going to physical therapy after a strain. Addressing things early often prevents a more serious injury.
What Actually Happens in Couples Therapy?
If you’ve never been to couples counseling before, it can feel intimidating. But here’s what it actually looks like:
- A safe, structured space where both partners are heard
- Help with slowing down in order to notice patterns and communicate more effectively
- Learning tools for regulating emotions, expressing needs and responding with empathy
- Explore underlying dynamics, like attachment, unmet needs and past experiences that may be influencing your relationship today
- Working towards shared goals with practical, actionable steps
It’s not about winning arguments. It’s about understanding each other differently.
The Benefits of Early Intervention
Couples who come to therapy earlier often see faster and more lasting progress. Why?
Because the longer harmful patterns go unchecked, the deeper the grooves become. Resentment builds. Walls go up. Trust erodes. And rebuilding becomes harder. Not impossible but definitely harder.
How to Take the First Step
If you are thinking of starting couples counseling, here are a few ways to get started:
- Bring it up gently
- Instead of saying “we need therapy,” try: “I’d really love for us to have some support in growing together. What do you think about talking to someone as a team?”
- Find the right therapist
- Look for someone trained in couples work (like Gottman Method or EFT)
- Do a free 15-20 minute consultation with the therapist to see if you feel comfortable with them
- Set realistic expectations
- Therapy isn’t a magic fix but it is a powerful space for insight, tools and growth
Final Thoughts
Couples counseling isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign of commitment to growth. It says, “I care about us. I want to understand you better. I believe we can do this differently.” Whether you’re feeling stuck in the same fight, disconnected in the chaos of parenting, or simply longing to feel closer again, it’s okay to get support.
At my Denver-based private practice, Hilary Goulding Therapy, I specialize in couples therapy using the Gottman Method. If you’re ready to take the next step, schedule a complimentary 20 minute consultation on my website. We’ll see if we’re a good fit and talk about how I can help you grow together as a couple.
[^1]: Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown.
