If you’ve been feeling a little distant from your partner lately, trust me — you’re in good company. I can’t tell you how many couples walk into my office and say some version of, “We love each other, but it feels like we’re just… roommates.”

And honestly? I’ve had seasons like that in my own relationship, too. Times when life felt too busy, too loud, too stressful, and connection just slipped to the bottom of the list. Not intentionally — it just happens.

The good news is: reconnection is absolutely possible.

The better news is: Gottman research shows it often starts with really small things, not big dramatic changes.

And if the name “Gottman” is new to you, Drs John and Julie Gottman are basically the relationship research experts who study what makes couples thrive. Their findings are surprisingly simple and hopeful.

Let’s talk about those small things.

1. Start With “Turning Toward” Moments

One thing I love about the Gottman Method is how practical it is. The Gottmans talk a lot about “bids for connection,” which sound fancy but are really just tiny ways we try to get our partner’s attention.

A bid might be:

• “Hey, look at this funny video.”
• “Did you hear that noise?”
• “I’m exhausted.”
• A sigh.
• A touch on the arm.

In session, I often tell couples: “Your partner isn’t asking for a solution — they’re just asking, ‘Are you there?’”

And the research shows something powerful: happy couples respond to these bids more often than not. They turn toward each other.

Turning toward can be as simple as:

• putting your phone down for five seconds
• making eye contact
• saying, “Tell me more”
• reaching out your hand

Tiny moment. Big impact.

Try catching one bid today and responding with warmth. It’s amazing how much that sets the tone.

2. Build a Culture of Appreciation (Not Just Gratitude)

I once had a couple tell me, “We say thank you all the time, but it doesn’t feel like anything.”

And when we dug deeper, what they really needed was specific appreciation — not general gratitude.

Instead of:

“Thanks for everything,”

try:

“I really appreciate that you handled dinner tonight; it made my evening so much easier.”

The Gottmans found that appreciation acts like emotional oxygen. The more we name the good, the more good we see.

This is something I practice at home, too. There’s something grounding about saying out loud, “Hey, I see you. I notice the effort you’re putting in.”

Appreciation doesn’t solve everything, but it softens the whole emotional climate of the relationship.

3. Create Simple Rituals of Connection

A lot of couples hear “rituals” and think I’m telling them they need a weekly 5-hour date night. Honestly, most couples I work with barely have time to drink their coffee while it’s still hot.

Rituals don’t have to be fancy — just consistent.

Some of my favorite ones clients have created:

• a real goodbye kiss (not the rushed shoulder tap)
• a 5-minute “How’s your heart?” check-in at night
• coffee together on Saturday mornings
• a short walk after dinner
• phones away during the first 10 minutes after work

These little anchor points give your relationship a predictable rhythm. And predictable rhythm creates safety. And safety creates connection.

Pick one ritual and try it for two weeks — it makes a difference.

4. Ask Better Questions

If you’ve ever sat across from your partner and thought, “We talk, but we don’t talk,” you’re not alone.

The Gottmans call it “updating your Love Maps” — basically staying curious about who your partner is today, not who they were five years ago.

Try:

• “What’s been on your mind lately?”
• “What’s one thing stressing you out right now?”
• “What’s something you’re excited about this month?”
• “What do you need more of from me this week?”

I use these questions in session all the time because they instantly deepen conversations.

The goal isn’t to judge or fix — just to understand.

5. Practice Repair Attempts (AKA: Get Back on Track Faster)

Every couple fights.

Every couple disconnects.

Every couple has off days.

This is normal.

What matters is how quickly you repair.

Repair attempts are any effort to break the tension and reconnect:

• “I’m sorry, I didn’t say that well.”
• “Can we start over?”
• “I love you — I don’t want to fight.”
• A hug.
• Humor.

Healthy couples repair early and often. Not perfectly — just consistently.

6. Make Space for Intimacy (The Physical and Emotional Kind)

Intimacy usually dips long before either partner actually names it.

Sometimes I’ll ask a couple, “When’s the last time you touched each other in a way that wasn’t goal-oriented?”

And they look at each other like, “…Oh.”

Connection often comes back through small, gentle moments:

• sitting close on the couch
• longer hugs
• soft touches
• sharing something vulnerable
• kissing without rushing into the next thing

The Gottman research reminds us: affection and emotional connection support sexual intimacy — not the other way around.

7. Know Your Partner’s Stress (and Help Lighten It)

One of my favorite Gottman tools is the stress-reducing conversation — a daily check-in that is not about the relationship.

You each share what’s on your mind. You listen, support, validate.

No fixing.

No correcting.

No “why didn’t you just…?”

Just presence.

This one habit alone can completely shift the emotional connection in a relationship.

When Connection Feels Hard, You’re Not Failing

I promise you — feeling disconnected doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means you’re human and overwhelmed and doing the best you can with the tools you have.

If you and your partner need support rebuilding connection, communication, trust, or emotional intimacy, that’s exactly what the Gottman Method is designed for.

And it’s what I help couples with every single day in my practice.

You can absolutely reconnect. You don’t have to figure it out alone.

If you’re ready to feel more connected and supported in your relationship, I’d love to help. Learn more or schedule a session through my website.

Written by Hilary Goulding, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationships and couples therapy in Denver, CO and Los Angeles, CA.