Your Guide to a More Connected, Calm, and Joyful Season Together

If you’re anything like most of the women, moms, and couples I work with—and honestly, like me too—the holiday season somehow ends up feeling more overwhelming and wildly overstimulating than it does magical. There’s so much pressure to make everything feel special: the gifts, the house, the schedule, the meals, the matching pajamas we definitely didn’t order early enough.

And while we talk all year about sharing the mental load with our partner, something happens in November and December where that load quietly doubles… and suddenly you’re the one who knows exactly which teacher needs a gift card, who’s hosting the cookie exchange, and whether the holiday cards should go out this week or if it’s already too late (it’s never too late—this is my annual pep talk to myself).

This post is here to help you navigate all of that—together.

Because sharing the holiday workload isn’t just about fairness. It’s about reducing stress, strengthening your relationship, and actually enjoying the season instead of white-knuckling your way through it.

Why the Holiday Mental Load Hits So Hard

The holiday “workload” includes things many of us never name out loud:

• Decorating the house
• Planning family gatherings
• Buying and wrapping gifts
• Managing kids’ school events
• Organizing travel
• Remembering traditions
• Cooking, cleaning, hosting
• Keeping everyone emotionally regulated (while you’re barely hanging on)

One mom told me recently, “I want to enjoy the holidays, but it feels like the season becomes another full-time job.” And honestly, I felt that in my bones.

Even in my own house, I realized one year that I had made a to-do list that literally only I knew existed. My partner wasn’t “not helping”—he genuinely didn’t know what help was needed. It was a humbling moment.

Which leads to…

1. Start With a Holiday Check-In (This One Changes Everything)

A simple, intentional conversation upfront can prevent 80% of resentment later.

Try this:

Sit down together—preferably with coffee or wine, something festive—

and ask each other:

• What matters most to you this season?
• What absolutely needs to get done?
• What would feel good to let go of this year?
• What traditions do we actually care about?

I did this with my partner last year and discovered he didn’t care AT ALL about having lights on the second story of our house. Meanwhile, I was mentally stressing about how we were going to find time to do it. It ended up being an easy “let it go” moment.

2. Divide the Tasks by Ownership—Not “Helping Out”

This is a big one.

When we say, “Can you help with the Christmas cards?” the mental load still stays with us. We’re the manager; they’re the assistant.

Instead, try dividing tasks by ownership:

• If you do the gifts for the kids, your partner does gifts for extended family.
• If you plan the menu, they own the grocery shopping and cleanup.
• If you’re in charge of decorations, they handle travel logistics.

Ownership means:

They handle the planning, the remembering, the doing, and the follow-through.

One couple I worked with shifted to this model and said it was the first year they weren’t bickering in the car on the way to every event.

3. Say Exactly What You Need (I Know—Easier Said Than Done)

If you’re that person who thinks, “I shouldn’t have to ask,” this is where the holidays can hit hardest.

Here’s what I remind clients (and myself):

Your partner isn’t inside your brain. They’re not trying to ignore the work—they just don’t see the same invisible list you do.

This year, try being as clear and specific as possible:

• “I need you to handle all teacher gifts this year start-to-finish.”
• “Can you take the kids to buy stocking stuffers so I can wrap in peace?”
• “It would really help me if you cleaned up after the holiday dinner.”

Last year, I asked my partner to be fully in charge of assembling the toys on Christmas Eve—no matter how many tiny screws were involved. Best decision ever.

4. Build in Mini Reset Moments

Shared workload isn’t just about tasks—it’s about emotional bandwidth.

If you’re both overwhelmed, everything feels heavier.

Create little rituals that reset the chaos:

• A morning coffee together before the kids wake up
• A “no holiday talk after 8pm” boundary
• Tag-teaming moments where one parent gets a break

One of my favorites:

We take 15 minutes after the kids go down, sit on the couch, and intentionally don’t talk about logistics. It’s amazing how grounding that is.

5. Let Go of the “Perfect Holiday” Narrative

This one’s personal.

There was one year where I felt myself spiraling—every detail felt urgent and emotionally loaded. It was the first year that my firstborn was old enough to understand what Christmas meant, know who Santa was and be really excited for the season. I was also taking care of a newborn and had recently returned to work. To say I was busy and overwhelmed was an understatement. My house wasn’t decorated as much as I would have liked, I forgot to schedule family photos for our holiday cards and we didn’t get around to some of my favorite holiday traditions (seeing the Nutcracker, decorating gingerbread houses).

Looking back, the only thing my son remembered (and I ended up caring about) was watching Christmas movies, cuddling by the fire and spending time with family. Not the gifts. Not the decorations. Not doing every single Christmas tradition.

You and your partner get to choose what makes a holiday meaningful, not what you see trending on Tik Tok or Instagram (Ahem, *Ralph Lauren Christmas*).

6. Check In Mid-Season and Adjust (Because Life Happens)

Maybe your partner is swamped at work unexpectedly.

Maybe one of the kids gets sick.

Maybe travel plans change.

Do a quick mid-December check-in:

• What’s working?
• What feels heavy?
• What can we simplify?
• What can we swap or reassign?

This keeps responsibilities balanced instead of lopsided.

7. Celebrate What You Accomplish Together

This is the part couples often forget.

Sharing the holiday workload is not just logistics—it’s partnership.

At the end of the season, name what went well:

• “I loved that you took care of the gifts this year.”
• “You handling the party prep made such a difference.”
• “We made a great team.”

Positive reinforcement goes a long way—not because your partner needs praise, but because connection deepens when we feel seen.

Final Thoughts: The Holidays Can Bring You Closer—Not Pull You Apart

When you approach the season as teammates instead of two overwhelmed individuals, everything feels lighter. You communicate better. You feel more supported. You have more emotional space to enjoy the magic—rather than just surviving it.

And the truth is, sharing the holiday workload is one of the most practical (and loving) ways to care for each other.

If this season feels like “too much,” you’re not alone—this is literally what I help couples navigate in my practice all the time. And it can get easier.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. How can couples share holiday responsibilities more evenly?

Start with a clear conversation about expectations, values, and priorities. Then divide tasks by ownership (not “helping”), so each partner fully manages certain responsibilities start to finish. This reduces the mental load and helps prevent resentment.

2. What is the “holiday mental load”?

The holiday mental load includes all the remembering, planning, organizing, prepping, emotional management, and behind-the-scenes work that makes the season run smoothly. It’s often invisible, and couples benefit from intentionally naming and dividing it.

3. How do I talk to my partner about feeling overwhelmed during the holidays?

Use a calm, non-blaming approach. Try: “I’m feeling stretched thin, and I’d love for us to look at the holiday tasks together and divide things in a way that feels better for both of us.” A holiday check-in conversation can make this easier.

4. What tasks should couples divide during the holidays?

Examples include: gift-buying, decorating, meal planning, travel logistics, school events, cleaning, hosting duties, and scheduling family activities. Choose what matters most to each of you and split the rest evenly.

5. How can we reduce holiday stress as a couple?

Share responsibilities, simplify traditions, create reset moments, stay flexible, check in weekly, and communicate openly about needs. Reducing holiday stress is less about perfection and more about teamwork.

6. What if one partner doesn’t notice what needs to be done?

It’s common for one partner to see the invisible tasks more clearly. Listing responsibilities, assigning ownership, and using shared apps or calendars can help level things out. Clarity reduces conflict.

Written by Hilary Goulding, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationships and couples therapy in Denver, CO and Los Angeles, CA.