Many couples wait far longer than they need to before seeking couples therapy. Not because they don’t care—but because they believe they should be able to fix things on their own.

While effort and intention matter, certain well-meaning strategies can actually make relationship problems worse over time. As a couples therapist, I often see couples arrive feeling exhausted, disconnected, and discouraged after trying everything they know how to do.

Here are some of the most common mistakes couples make when trying to fix their relationship without support—and what can help instead.

1. Talking More, But Not Feeling Heard

One of the biggest misconceptions is that relationship problems exist because couples “don’t communicate enough.” In reality, many couples are talking constantly—but not in a way that leads to understanding or emotional safety.

Common patterns include:

• Repeating the same arguments over and over
• Explaining harder and harder instead of feeling understood
• Defending rather than listening
• Leaving conversations feeling worse than before

Without guidance, these conversations can reinforce resentment and emotional distance rather than repair.

How therapy helps:

Couples therapy focuses on how partners communicate, not just how much. Learning to slow down, listen differently, and respond with empathy can shift long-standing patterns.

2. Trying to “Win” the Argument Instead of Repair the Relationship

When couples are hurting, it’s natural to focus on being right—especially if you feel unheard or blamed. Unfortunately, relationships aren’t strengthened by winning.

Signs this might be happening:

• Keeping mental score
• Bringing up old issues to prove a point
• Focusing on who’s at fault rather than what hurts

Over time, this creates an adversarial dynamic where partners feel like opponents instead of teammates.

How therapy helps:

A couples therapist helps partners move from blame to curiosity, and from power struggles to shared understanding.

3. Avoiding Conflict to Keep the Peace

Some couples do the opposite: they stop bringing things up altogether. While this may reduce conflict in the short term, it often leads to emotional distance, resentment, or a sense of walking on eggshells.

Avoidance can look like:

• Saying “It’s fine” when it’s not
• Minimizing your own needs
• Withdrawing emotionally to prevent fights

How therapy helps:

Therapy creates a structured, safer space to address difficult topics without things escalating—or being shut down.

4. Expecting One Partner to Change Everything

It’s common for couples to enter problem-solving mode focused on what one person needs to fix—whether that’s communication, boundaries, family dynamics, or emotional responsiveness.

This can leave one partner feeling:

• Criticized or inadequate
• Like the relationship is conditional
• Unsafe being vulnerable

How therapy helps:

Couples therapy reframes problems as patterns between partners, not personal failures. Both people learn how they contribute—and how they can shift together.

5. Waiting Until Things Feel “Bad Enough”

Many couples wait until they’re on the brink of separation before seeking help. By that point, trust may already be eroded, and emotional walls may be firmly in place.

Early signs couples often ignore include:

• Persistent resentment
• Feeling lonely in the relationship
• Repeated unresolved conflicts
• Emotional or physical disconnection

How therapy helps:

The earlier couples seek support, the more flexible and hopeful the process tends to be. Therapy isn’t just for relationships in crisis—it’s also for relationships that want to grow.

When Couples Therapy Can Help

Couples therapy can be helpful if:

• You keep having the same arguments without resolution
• One or both partners feel emotionally unsafe or disconnected
• Anxiety, stress, or family issues are impacting the relationship
• You want support navigating hard conversations with less damage

Working with a couples therapist provides structure, perspective, and tools that are difficult to access on your own—especially when emotions run high.

A Gentle Next Step

If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, it doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It means you’re human—and that you may benefit from support designed to help couples reconnect in healthier ways.

Seeking couples therapy is not a sign of weakness or failure. It’s often a sign that both partners care deeply and want something better than “just getting by.”

Frequently Asked Questions About Couples Therapy

Do couples really need therapy, or can they fix things on their own?

Many couples are able to make small improvements on their own, especially with good communication skills. However, when the same issues keep repeating, emotions escalate quickly, or one or both partners feel emotionally unsafe, outside support can be helpful. Couples therapy provides structure and guidance that’s hard to access from inside the relationship—especially when both partners are emotionally invested.

Is couples therapy only for relationships in crisis?

No. While couples therapy can be very effective during times of crisis, many couples seek therapy proactively. Some come in because they feel disconnected, are navigating life transitions, or want to strengthen their relationship before problems grow larger. Early support often leads to more lasting change.

What if my partner is hesitant about couples therapy?

It’s common for one partner to feel unsure or anxious about starting therapy. This doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about the relationship. A couples therapist can help create a balanced, non-blaming environment where both partners feel heard and respected, even if one person is initially reluctant.

How long does couples therapy usually take?

The length of couples therapy varies depending on the goals, the issues involved, and how entrenched the patterns are. Some couples notice meaningful changes in a few months, while others benefit from longer-term work. Therapy is typically most effective when couples focus on understanding patterns rather than rushing to “fix” everything quickly.

Will the therapist take sides?

A trained couples therapist does not take sides. Instead, the therapist focuses on understanding the relational patterns and helping both partners feel heard. The goal is to support the relationship—not to determine who is right or wrong.

Written by Hilary Goulding, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationships and couples therapy in Denver, CO and Los Angeles, CA.