There’s a question I hear quietly—sometimes with tears, sometimes with a nervous laugh—at least a few times a month in my therapy office:

“I don’t know if something is wrong… or if this is just what relationships turn into.”

Usually, the couple isn’t on the brink of divorce. They still care deeply about each other. They’re functioning—working, parenting, managing life. From the outside, things might even look “fine.”

But inside the relationship, something feels thinner. Less alive. More distant.

So how do you know if you’re actually drifting apart—or if you’re just in a hard season of life?

Why So Many Couples Feel This Way (Especially Right Now)

In my practice, I see a lot of couples who are genuinely confused by their own relationship experience. They’re not fighting constantly. There’s no obvious betrayal. But there’s also not much connection.

What I hear sounds like:

• “We’re more like roommates than partners.”
• “We don’t really talk about anything real anymore.”
• “By the time the kids are in bed, we’re exhausted.”
• “I miss how we used to be.”

And here’s the important part: this doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is broken.

Many couples are navigating:

• Young kids or teenagers
• Career pressure or financial stress
• Anxiety or burnout
• Grief, fertility struggles, or health issues
• The invisible mental load that slowly drains emotional energy

These seasons don’t just take time—they take attention. And when connection doesn’t get intentional space, distance can quietly grow.

What “Drifting Apart” Actually Looks Like

Drifting apart usually isn’t dramatic. It’s subtle and cumulative.

In therapy, I often notice patterns like:

• Conversations becoming logistical (“Who’s picking up?” “Did you pay that bill?”)
• Less curiosity about each other’s inner worlds
• Fewer bids for affection—or bids that go unnoticed
• Conflict avoidance because it feels “too hard” to talk
• A growing sense of loneliness inside the relationship

One client once said to me, “Nothing is technically wrong… but I feel alone next to the person I love.” That sentence sticks with me because it captures this experience so well.

When It’s Likely a Season (Not a Sign to Panic)

It may be a season if:

• You still care deeply about each other
• There’s goodwill, even if there’s frustration
• You miss the connection rather than feeling indifferent
• Stressors outside the relationship are unusually high
• You can remember times when things felt more connected

Seasons are often defined by overload, not lack of love.

I remind couples often: Disconnection is not the same as incompatibility.

When It Might Be More Than a Season

That said, there are signs that the distance deserves more attention:

• You feel emotionally unsafe bringing things up
• Resentment has been building for a long time
• Attempts to reconnect feel awkward or shut down
• One or both partners feel chronically unseen or unimportant
• There’s a pattern of withdrawal, stonewalling, or repeated unresolved conflict

This doesn’t mean the relationship can’t heal—but it does mean it probably can’t heal on autopilot.

Why Waiting It Out Often Doesn’t Work

Many couples hope things will “settle down eventually.” Sometimes they do. Often, they don’t—because the habits of disconnection quietly become the norm.

In my experience as a couples therapist, the couples who reconnect most successfully aren’t the ones who waited until things were dire. They’re the ones who noticed the distance early and got support before resentment took over.

Couples therapy isn’t about assigning blame or digging endlessly into the past. Often, it’s about:

• Slowing down automatic patterns
• Understanding what’s underneath the distance
• Rebuilding emotional safety
• Learning how to reach for each other again—without defensiveness or fear

A Gentle Question to Ask Yourself

Instead of asking, “Is this relationship failing?”

Try asking:

“What has this season required of us—and what has it taken away?”

That shift alone can create more compassion, both for yourself and your partner.

You’re Not Behind—and You’re Not Alone

If you’re reading this and feeling a lump in your throat, I want you to know: this experience is incredibly common, especially for couples juggling anxiety, parenthood, and modern life.

Feeling disconnected doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human—and your relationship might need care, not criticism.

If you’re in the Denver area (or Los Angeles) and this resonates, couples therapy can be a place to slow things down, make sense of what’s happening, and find your way back to each other. You can schedule your free consultation with me here.

You don’t have to wait until things fall apart to reach for support.

Written by Hilary Goulding, LMFT, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in relationships and couples therapy in Denver, CO and Los Angeles, CA.